a lot better than Day 1.

Although I'm still doubting my abilities. But the people are really nice.

Still miss coming into work and knowing that I totally own the place because I'm good at what I do.

*sighs*

Lord grant me patience and strength as I persevere through the next few weeks/days/months or however long it takes me to get through this initial transitory stage.

On a side note, I'm trying to revive my faith again, which means I've been setting aside some prayer time each night before I sleep and when I wake up in the morning. This is a good thing because I can really feel how it helps me through the day and helps me sleep soundly at night. It'll take a while to build up my passion and spirituality once again, but I know I'll get there. Reality is: at the end of the day, it was always there. I just spent a lot of time running away from it or failing to acknowledge the HUGE factor it plays in my life.

"Cause we're hopeful, hopeful, hopeful for today
Take this music, and use it, let it take you away
And be hopeful, hopeful and we'll make a way
I know it ain't easy BUT that's OK
Cause we're HOPEFUL"

Was pretty overwhelming to say the least. I found myself completely exhausted by the end of the day and I had a massive headache. I actually drank 2 Panadeines to relieve the pain.

The biggest thing I'm struggling with is the fact that I'm so use to knowing e v e r y t h i n g, but here, I don't even know what I'm suppose to know. Oh LG, I was way too comfortable there, walking in, knowing that I'm good at what I do. Now, I'm forever questioning what I'm doing - "is this right? is this how I'm meant to be doing this?". It gets quite frustrating, especially for a control freak like me.

And I know I'm probably putting way too much pressure on myself, seeing as though it was my first day and I expected myself to know everything, but I guess that's just how I am or that's what I'm use to - knowing everything. Oh LG - I was way too comfortable with you guys for my own good. I miss you though, but I know that eventually, I'll be happy at this new place and I'll become comfortable there as time progresses. I am determined to know this position like the back of my hand, so that things start becoming second nature to me and work soon becomes a walk in the park.  When that happens I know that I'm ready to move forward and take on the next challenge in my life. Kinda exciting when you think about it, I'll be this fabulous career girl *daydreams*.

On the upside, work has a gym next door which they pay for, and we're free to use it (score!!). Once I have my position down pack I will start to factor in time to workout and get fit. How exciting.

For the past month or so I've been desperately seeking for a job in accounting to get my career started.

I've been through more interviews than I care to count, and have had a number of prospective employers email me back saying "whilst we were highly impressed with your application, we regret to inform you that we will not be pursuing your application further ... we wish you well in your future endeavours".

How frustrating.

Then I've been really close to securing a Graduate position for some well-known companies, only to be turned down because of my academic achievements (or lack thereof). I was in the top 15 out of 500 applicants for goodness sake. But I guess it's true what they say: if it's not for you, it's not for you.

Let's just hope that tomorrow's interview goes well.

Anyways, enough about job hunting.

The weather today is THE BEST!! 32 degrees baby! It's been far too long since I've felt the sun's warmth on my skin. This is the first time in years that I'm actually looking forward to summer. Woot woot.

Oh and with regards to going back to the Philippines, that doesn't look very likely anymore. We'll just see what happens. I have too much going on for me right now before I can even consider going on vacation again. Here's to growing up ...

<3 Arian

Christina Plameras - you are one of the bravest, strongest, most headstrong girl I know.

And the best thing about it is you don't even know it yet.

But you will Nina :) I know you will.

Have fun on your trip, and just know that whatever happens --> WE'LL ALWAYS BE HERE FOR YOU!!

THANK YOU FOR BEING ONE OF MY BESTEST FRIENDS!!

THANK YOU FOR MAKING A DIFFERENCE IN ME!!

THANK YOU FOR GETTING ME THROUGH MY DARKEST DAYS!! (aka Hurricane He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named and the events following said tragedy)

THANK YOU FOR JUST BEING YOU!

CALL US IF YOU EVER NEED ANYTHING OK!! JEAN-BEAN, SYNDY-BYNDY AND I ARE HERE FOR YOU NO MATTER WHAT!!

Ohhhh and have I said already that you're amazing!! :)

GOOD ON YOU MAN FOR TAKING SUCH A HUGE STEP ... FOR DOING SOMETHING FOR YOURSELF ... FOR PUTTING YOURSELF OUT THERE!

And you know what girlie ... YOU'RE STRONGER THAN YOU GIVE YOURSELF CREDIT FOR! You know how I know this? Because it was your strength that got me through everything I've gone through!!

THANK YOU FOR YOUR STRENGTH GIRLIE!!! 

Ohhh and did i mention that WE LOVE YOU!!

Yes? No?

Well I'll say it again ... JEAN ... SYNDY ... AND I (ARIAN) ... LOVE YOU LIKE THE SISTER WE NEVER HAD!! *hey sister, go sister, soul sister, flow sister*

BE SAFE AND WE'LL ALL BE TOGETHER AGAIN SOON :)

Father, I’m going through some heavy things
It seems like this world ain’t getting any better
The more we try to get closer to You
The farther we run from Your throne
I’ve spent so many nights wonderin’ when will it end
When will the day come when happiness begins
I’m running the race but it seems too hard to win
I’m sick of mourning my stomach is throwing up in the morning
I’m calling for help and watching it melt away
My heart’s been put on display and put away
In many ways, many times I told myself it was ok
And anger was the price that was paid
While these faded dreams just screamed to bring them home
The burden was too heavy I kept running from the throne
I can’t take it any longer
I can taste my spirit hunger
God please help me get home

Lord though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
I’m not scared cause You’re holding my breath
I only fear that I don’t have enough time left
To tell the world that there’s no time left, Lord please
Lord though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
I’m not scared cause You’re holding my breath
I only fear that I don’t have enough time left
To tell the world that there’s no time left

I’ve come to terms that I’m burning both sides of the rope
And I’m hoping that self-control would kick in before I’m choking off
The sin that be destroying every fiber I got
I need the Lord in every way I’ll never make it I’m not
Going back to the way I was before Christ in my life
I couldn’t do it I would lose it there’s no point to the fight
And I’m writing this song, for the people who don’t belong
I pray away the pain you feel from all the things that went wrong
Inside a life that’s filled with anger and disappointment
Cause daddy treated you weaker than all of the other kids
It’s annoying and I feel for all of you who wanna give up
You feel stuck I feel the same way Lord help us stay up
You couldn’t pay me to abandon the idea of true hope
That I could make it through this life into a place where there’s no crying
I’m dying to find You with open arms when I go
Knowing You love me and You waiting to give rest to my soul

Lord though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
I’m not scared cause You’re holding my breath
I only fear that I don’t have enough time left
To tell the world that there’s no time left, Lord please
Lord though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
I’m not scared cause You’re holding my breath
I only fear that I don’t have enough time left
To tell the world that there’s no time left

Lord I don't know what I'm struggling for
There’s go to be more
Than this life I know
But still I’m here fighting to never give up
I find strength in Your love
And You will see me through

Lord though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
I’m not scared cause You’re holding my breath
I only fear that I don’t have enough time left
To tell the world that there’s no time left, Lord please
Lord though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
I’m not scared cause You’re holding my breath
I only fear that I don’t have enough time left
To tell the world that there’s no time left

Last private entry was a bit "how's it going", but I'm happy to report that all is OK now with us. Sorted it through, and since then haven't had any serious fights, so yeah ... 9 months and going strong I guess.

Have you ever noticed that when it's "that time of the month", girls get a lot more moody and stressed. And then to add final exams looming just around the corner, lfe really needs to cut a girl some slack.

I can't seem to study properly - when have I ever been able to study properly?? Gosh, it seems like a whole other lifetime ago that I was able to put my head down and get some serious studying done. Never had a problem with it in high school .. but now, you have to pay my to study.

SIGHS.

Then again, not the only one struggling. Gosh I can't wait to graduate.

ANYHOW, I will be getting off the Pill in less than 2 weeks. THANK GOD cause that drug seriously puts a girls hormones out of whack. I started taking the Pill 6 months ago cause I had irregular periods (sorry to those that think this is an overshare - actually no, too bad if you don't want to hear this - close the page for all I care). And since then I've been able to determine exactly what date/day/time I will get my monthly friend. But my doctor feels that 6 months should be more than enough for me to get off the Pill and see if my body can regulate itself without pharmaceutical assistance. Will tell you how it goes. And THANK GOD it's over because you put on so much weight because of that bloody thing.

Moving on ...

Actually, that's really all there is for me to report.

I work at LG now - which isn't so bad. I actually like it, but it does take my weekends away from me.

What else???

Did I mention I'm going to Phils the end of this year.

Not sure how I feel about that. Excited. Dreading it. I don't like confrontations, but hey .. life's like that. And plus, anything can happen in 6 months.

Right now I'm on a lunch break from ADR and so far, the class has proved itself to be something I'll enjoy this summer session. Too bad it's only a "four day intense lecture". Very interesting though I'm telling you. Even though it will be a lot of work and effort and individual thinking, I'm sure it'll be nothing I can't handle. The last time I was this excited about a subject was Organisational Behaviour, and that proved itself to be an awesome subject, so I'm glad I took up ADR this summer session.

I'm not too sure what to expect with Tax Law though. I've already missed on a lecture last night and past experience has shown me that once I miss out on something, it leads on to another, then another, then to missing out on tutorials, and then finally failing the subject, so yeah. Yesterday's jigging is this sessions ONLY exception. After all, who could miss out on the glorious food at Sizzler's with your significant other (bwahaha, this marks the first time I referred to "us" as an "us", but anyhow)

Speaking of "the other half", I think the bum has decided to get back at me for keeping him hanging for a few hours as he is not replying back to my "3 hours later email". Hahaha, I'll show you!! *waves fist*

Ok, must get back to class. Have fun kiddies.

For some strange reason I woke up this morning and I just felt/feel so peeved off. And although everything in life seems to be going "ok" (minus studying/uni), I can't help but feel annoyed. Perhaps I am over analyzing again. Maybe I am reading into things too much. Whatever it is I am doing right now, it needs to stop, because my anger/annoyance is increasing by the minute.

I look back on friendships that I've made over the past few years, and it's sad how I've lost contact with some of them. It's even more disappointing that over the years, the ones I was once really close too have become strangers to me now. We could spend days pointing fingers and finding reasons to blame each other for why we've grown apart, but then again, how pointless would that be? In the end, it comes down to the fact that we're all at fault, and that's just how life is ... people change. People grow apart. People you once thought would never disappoint you .... do. And it sucks, but the truth is if that person is someone you hold close to your heart ... you feel the hurt and disappointment more, because as they say ... you always hurt the ones you love. I don't even know where this annoyance is coming from ... all I know is that I woke up this morning and all these thoughts entered my head. 

By the way, I'm not directing this to anyone that I know reads this thing, I'm just venting out in general. So if you're reading this and thinking "is she talking about me?" ... chances are: I'm probably not. Because those that I am feeling this annoyance towards probably don't even know this journal exists, so yeah ... just keep that in mind while I continue to vent.

There's this quote from I don't know who, but it says something like:

We don't need to change friends ... if we understand that friends change.

It's a fact of life that people change ... physically or personality-wise or whatnot ... people always change. Sometimes for the good, sometimes for the "not so good". Whatever the change, it doesn't mean that our friendships with them has to change as well right? That's one things that annoys me the most ... friendships that deteriorate into nothing because one person doesn't like what the other one has become. 

Or perhaps maybe one person holds a grudge against the other. Speaking from experience, THIS sucks the most. That and the fact that words were/still are left unspoken. At least 2 of my once "close friends" and I have severed ties because of this reason (grudge against me and leaving things unsaid) and I'm sorry if I sound rude when I say this, but all I can say is:

GET OVER IT! 

The world does not revolve around you.

And don't give me empty promises about our "friendship" lasting forever no matter what. Because to me, those are just empty words, that have no meaning, especially if you can't back it up with action.

Ouch! Harsh I know, but that's just how I'm feeling at the moment.

Anyway, enough angst for the day.

To end on a happier note - I LOVE the friendships that I do have today. My girls rock! I love them like the sisters I never had, and I hope and pray our friendships never deteriorate for petty reasons.

Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that will make it OK
There's always some reason
To feel not good enough
And its hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh, a beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty
Oh and weightless
And maybe I'll find some peace tonight

In the arms of the angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you feel
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find
Some comfort here

So tired of the straight life
And everywhere you turn
There's vultures and thieves at your back
Storm keeps on twisting
Keep on building the lies
That you make up for all that you lack
It don't make no difference
Escaping one last time
It's easier to believe
In this sweet madness
Oh this glorious sadness
That brings me to my knees

In the arms of the angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you feel
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find
Some comfort here

You're in the arms of the angel
May you find
Some comfort here

Ever listen to song and thought to yourself "WOW, this is THE song for me". Ever just sat there and truly listened to the words of a song, and felt that the words speak to you? I am the type of person that fully appreciates the beauty of a song through the lyrics, and I am a firm believer that songs have a way of reflecting what lies in our hearts. Take this song for example, Sarah Mclachlan - Angel, it is definitely a song that expresses everything I am currently feeling right now. People may find the song soppy, pointless, too mellow, depressing or what have you ... but for me, the lyrics speak volumes! For me, it's a prayer. It speaks a 1000 different things to me, and I love it. I feel sad, yet happy. I feel nostalgic and lost, yet comforted and safe. Weird huh? But I guess that's what music does for you ... it allows you experience so many different emotions all at the same time. Some songs have this amazing ability to move you, and to really make you feel. I don't know if you guys know what I'm talking about. I don't know if any of you are reading this, thinking to yourself "wow, I totally get what she's trying to say ... I totally know how she feels", but for those of you who are thinking that -- PRAISE GOD you know the feeling, because the feeling is transcendent. And if you haven't felt it ... then I pray that one day you get the chance to experience it for yourself. It's definitely a worthwhile experience!

Ok I'll make it quick because I have homework to complete and yeah ... so bad!

This weekend, I absolutely LOVED this weekend because:

a) I didn't go out to ANY parties/clubs/meetings/social events etc AT ALL

b) I slept all day yesterday (SUNDAY) and to top that off, I went to bed extra early and slept like a baby

c) I cleaned my room on friday and have managed to keep it immaculate!! woo woo!!

d) I made another attempt to curl my hair and it turned out really well :D *cheeses*

Downside to it though (and there's ALWAYS a downside -- what was the term Mr. Eco Man used for is ... opportunity cost) ... the opportunity cost of having an absolutely relaxing weekend is the fact that I am behind at Uni yet again, and it's only the second week. I also managed to spend WAYYYYY more than I anticipated, which means my savings have gone down to [insert ridiculously small figure here] and I'm starting to believe I have shopping problems. *scream* NO MORE SPENDING ARIAN!! EFFING HELL! Someone take my card off me!

Ahh well ... cheers to a fantabulously rejuvenating weekend, because God knows I won't have a weekend like that in looooonnnng time!

Cheerio!

I had the longest weekend. And the after-effects aren't pretty.

I'm currently sitting here at work, and nothing seems to be sinking in. My productivity is at an all time low, and I can't seem to shake this feeling off and arghhh I HATE IT! I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT!

I don't think I've every felt this disgusted since the night of that incident. Although, NOTHING can EVER really compare to what happened that night, friday night's party brought back memories that are better left buried!

It just hurts that people, being the imperfect humans they are, will form their own stories and opinions of me based  purely on Friday nights experience. And it sucks even more that their opinions would more than likely be I'm an attention-seeking bitch (or something to that effect). Which is fine, everyone is entitled to have an opinion. And I fully understand why people would come to that conclusion based on my behaviour at UN. It just sucks is all because 
a) you don't know the full story 
and b) I don't want or have to explain myself to you or anyone else.

My experience is exactly that ... MY OWN experience. It's the worst thing a girl or ANY human being could go through. And I would NEVER wish it upon ANYONE ... not even my worst enemy (whoever that may be). So please ... feel free to think whatever it is you want to think about me ... feel free to base my entire character on how I acted last friday night. Just bare in mind ... I have my reasons. And if you knew my reasons ... you wouldn't be so quick to judge!

THIS IS RIDICULOUS!! How many computer crashes can I girl take before she seriously has a nervous breakdown? Yes, I know my entries have been all about Uni lately, but seriously!! WHAT THE HELL! Lord, are You testing me? Trying to teach me a lesson (namely, NEVER leave assignments till last minute OR your computer will decide to become your WORST enemy and break down on you!!) ... because honestly Lord, I DON'T need THIS right now.

I can't be angry at The Man Upstairs though. This is entirely my fault! Serves me right for mastering the art of procrastination. Goshhhhh, this is what a girl gets when she has way too much time on her hands. She wakes up every morning, looks at her timetable and her "to-do list", which she spent 2 hours the night before conjuring up ... and then thinks to herself "heyyyy ... I have the next 2 days to do all this" and walks downstairs to do her daily chores ... followed by her decision to "reward" herself via watching episodes of Dawson's Creek or One Tree Hill (sighsssss Pacey is gorgeous! Why can't all guys be like that?) ...so I guess it's fair to say I had it coming to me!

I give credit to those people that actually say what they mean ... and mean what they say! All my respect goes out to those who say they'll do this much of studying for one night AND actually follow through with it. HA which means the amount of respect I have for myself is close to zilch right now! Grrr!

BUT enough of this negativity!

On a slightly more happier note ... work called me again! And because I'm in dire need of income I'm actually considering it. PRAISE GOD my work is so flexible with me! God Bless my workmates and my boss. When they said "whatever works for you" I was all heartwarmed. Like seriously, where do you find a job that gives you that much flexibility? How could I possible say no right? Soooo ... I'm still thinking about it. Let me overcome these final assessments and I'll give work my final answer. *fingers crossed*

Hehehe ohhh and because I've realised people actually read this thing ... I am determined to write something of more substance. Sorry guys! I know my entries have been lacking in spirit lately. I intend to make it up to you. As for now ... I HEART YOU for taking the time to read my aimless ramblings :) God Bless you guys man! You make me smile!

PS .. Josef .. as for you comment. Hahaha dude, you're not the only one that's asked me that question! Haha. And you know what ... you're probably right. I do need to open up more about matters of the heart hehe. I'm learning (I think) haha. But yeah ... all in His time. I'll know when I'm ready :) Thank dude for caring though!

FAUSTIN!! - hehe the older brother I never had! I just realised I'm not going to have my "thursdays with Faustin" anymore. It makes me sad :( BUT!!! I am determined to keep the friendship we have man! I've grown really fond of you dude! So yes ... will definitely make an effort to stay close to you! Hehe and this is me --- saying what I mean and meaning what I say! Luvvvvv ya!!

Ok so yes ... I did freak out in my last private post! BUT I had EVERY reason to freak out ok! I was at a very vulnerable and fragile stage during that time. And anyway, it turns out I was wrong. Things aren't as bad as I THOUGHT they were. Do you ever do that ... assume the WORST? I guess it's a defence mechanism we use: assume the worst so the disappointment isn't so hardhitting.

Anyhow, I'm lacking so much sleep and rest and relaxation and general chill time that it's starting to show. I'm so lethargic, grouchy and snap at the smallest things. Which means right now is NOT the ideal time to "get to know me" or  for me to mingle and hang out with people (except the girls of course --- I'm up for chillin' with you ladies anytime now that JEAN has her mum's car for a month ... too bad exams are coming up!)

Speaking of which ... how incredibly stressed out have I been lately?!?! I blame my current state of anxiety on University. Yes, it is ALWAYS about Uni!! My computer crashed on me just days before ALL my assignments were due. THANK GOD for family friends (namely Ryan) for lending me his laptop so that I could actually work on my assignments. Which reminds me --- I NEED TO GET MY COMPUTER FIXED! I HAVE TO REFORMAT!! NO MORE PUTTING IT OFF DAMNIT!

Anyhow, apart from the usual stresses of Uni ... things have been so-so.  As in, I know there are certain things that could be better. But ahhh ... that's life for you! Throws you things when you least expect it or need it!

Ohhhh and I've stopped drinking coffee (with the exception of last night because I did an all-nighter). This should be of benefit to my body, because I know that it's time that I start caring for a change. Coffee is so bad for you! So yes, cutting down on caffeine and all things detrimental to my health.

You know it's true - the state of your room reflects the state of your mind. For the past week or so, my room has been a complete bomb!! I spend 5 hours cleaning one part of it, and within 20 minutes it's back to it's chaotic state! And it makes me mad that I can't maintain it!!! ARGH! Which is why ... I MUST clear my head!

Why is it my head is at it's current state? Could I really blame all of this on Uni? Not really hey. Yes, Uni plays a MASSIVE role in my discontentment with life right now, but there's more to it. Could it be about a boy? Hmmm ... quite possibly. Boys usually have that affect on us. But I can't seem to pinpoint the reasons as to why OR WHO for that matter. Yes, that is right ... I don't even know who I feel this frustration towards. Partly [him] but * and * have something to do with it as well I'm sure. S I G H S!

I'm not a very trusting person am I? I mean I trust my friends will all my heart ... but other people, especially those that I've only just met ... I don't really open up to you. Nor do I make the effort to try to get to know you OR more importantly, sustain the bond we've established. Which, when you think about it, is quite sad really - because it takes a lot of effort to establish trust with anyone, and here I am, not caring or putting in the effort to keep the connection. But then again, it's a two way street right? 

Here's my 2 cents worth --

Aside from the incredibly daunting wait till Harry Potter comes out ... another thing I can't wait for is for UNI TO BE OVER!

That is all!

This goes out to you ... if you even know that this exists, but either way, it's what want to say:

CAUGHT YA! RED HANDED BABY! HAHA and then to ask me "bakit napaka close-hearted mo? bakit wala kang tiwala sa mga lalake" (translated - why is your heart so closed .... why don't you trust guys?) MATE!! THIS is the very reason why! 

But you know what's a good thing that's come out of all this --- the fact that I didn't open up to you in the first place, so I come out on top :) 

Funny how I was questioning myself there for a moment. It's funny how I considered the POSSIBILITY ... LUCKY I listened to my head! I didn't fall for it ... I lose nothing.

So please don't come to me asking why I still look at you the way I do guys in general. Before asking me that ... look at your actions ... look at your way of thinking. So drop the "misunderstood/want someone to care" act ... I see right through you! And no, I have NOT changed ... this IS the way I am.

I do open up. Ask my friends ... those that are REAL! I open up to those people. But for the majority who are plastic and are ALL TALK ... I'll give you the time of day, so don't over-act and say I'm a complete snob ... I just don't open up to you ... simple as that!

Thank you! and goodbye! :)

So true ... no one has posted anything these past few months! - NO ONE meaning the TFK girls :P

Are we THAT busy huh huh huh?

You know what I think it is ... it's the fact that we have SOOOO much to rant out about .... so much going on in our heads .... that by the time we come around to writing it ... we stare at out computer screen ... sigh ... and then think "ehhh stuff it" and move on to something else? Hollaaaaa if ya feel me ?? HEHE

I miss you girls though. Yes, I know I talk to you guys everyday ... but I miss you!

I miss everything!

Uni is a drag!

STRESSED!

Jean I hate you from watching 300! hehehe jokes.

Syndy === I still miss you babe! How's Uni and work for you? I can't wait till work is over. Then I can concentrate on Uni ... NOT! (Somebody save me!)

Nina --- awwww you're going away for the weekend ... you lucky, sexy girl :P HEHEHE TAKE ME WITH YOU!

Another random thought - I CAN'T STAND BEING AT HOME BY MYSELF! It's driving me crazy ... and I do crazy things like stay on the phone with JEAN till 3 in the morning ... talking about random things and overanalysing EVERYTHING! Mannnnnn ... it's always during that time that we think too much for our own good! I love you though dude!

Let's see ... what else to write about?

Anyone up for drowning our sorrows in alcohol? Hahaha. Just kidding. I'm stressed ... but not THAT stressed. Although drinking up sounds terribly tempting right now ... I will RESIST nonetheless!

S I G H S !

I miss my parents! Honestly guys ... I hate being alone in a big house all by myself! 2 more days and counting!

Ok .. I've procratinated enough! 

I can't wait till Uni's OVER!